Its Monday!

Its 7.45 am and I've completed all my chores! Happy happy! :) For some reason, I'm glad that its Monday, never felt like this before about Monday - I always thought of myself as Garfield.

Sunday was good. We went to a movie - Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu - its the latest Bollywood release. Its a romantic comedy and it wasn't bad, quite enjoyed it actually because the lead pair are cute, Kareena Kapoor's my favorite actress. 

        

Anyway, I'm going to go day-by-day now. Had a very low point yesterday when I saw my juniors qualifying for post-graduation. But I'm not going to let what others do get to me. I'm going to keep trying and not give up and keep hoping. So that's my resolution for the week. Wish me luck! :)

                                           Happy Today! 

P. S. I made hubby watch Psych yesterday and he loved it, watched three episodes back to back.
         Also check out the video bar, it has trailers of the movie I mentioned.
         Updated my profile pic, its a pic of my hand at my engagement, my little sister clicked it.

Great Beginnings

Its 9 am, hubby got off to work and he had a breakfast AND he had his lunch box too AND all the dishes are done AND I've had a bath AND all my work is done! Wow! Great start today. The house is also quite clean. I can't believe I'm finally free for the day and can study in peace... At least until dinner time. This is great. I'm going to follow this routine everyday now.

I prepared something for breakfast today morning. Its supposed to be besan. It isn't great but it isn't bad either, but definitely could have been better. Poor hubby ate it with a brave smile saying its good. So sweet of him. For those who don't know, a typical Indian meal consists of a vegetable or something like besan (below) to eat with a chapati (sort of instant bread) and a daal to eat with rice.

This is the daal I made for dinner yesterday. I know it looks spicy, but it really isn't. I want to do something about the oil though, I think I put in too much of it.

I also wanted to show you my home :) the furniture isn't ours and as of now we are only living here for 1year so haven't brought much stuff, but yet it feels like home :) Welcome to our living room.

                                                Happy Today! :)

P. S. Signed up for A to Z Challenge April 2012! Excited!

Routine

I confess, the only reason I was out of action was because I had an acute episode of laziness. Lasted all of 2 days. It is finally wearing off now and I'm much better today, thank you :)

I would also like to thank all those who visited me since my last post. Another reason why I didn't write was because I felt, well, it didn't matter! I know it still doesn't but it feels nice to have someone somewhere else in the world going through stuff that has been through my mind, makes me feel connected to you somehow, even if you don't say anything - to know that you're not all alone is the best feeling in the world - isn't it?

My results were out the day before, and as I had expected, I did extremely poorly. Sulked for the whole day yesterday and wanted to go and hide from the world. Then I remembered the line from Batman Begins (which is quickly becoming my favorite) - "Why do we fall? So that we can pick ourselves again and go on." It went something like that. And that is what I did, I picked myself up, and have been carrying myself since then.

When you want to cheer yourself, I find cleaning is the best thing that you can do. Any putting off the task is like making your mood worse. After all, when you're surroundings are in order, you are too. So that's what I did first thing today, put everything back in its place. I'm feeling much better now. My only wish in that matter is that my other half learns that there's a place for everything and everything should be in its place. <sigh>

My friends have done quite well in the entrance exam I was talking about, and they'll soon be starting their post-graduation. Of course I'd be very happy too if I'd got a good score too, but I know I haven't worked hard enough for it. So that's what I'm going to do from today - try my best, and then when I'm convinced that I've done all I can, I can be content.

So that's the mission for today - Give your best!

Someone has said - "How you spend your days is, after all, how you spend your life."

                                Happy Today!!! :)

Confusing times

Hi.

Thank you for so many page views in the past few days! I'm happy happy :)

Anyway, this is a follow-up of the facebook thing that's going on in my life right now. Yesterday, the idiot posted something about me again. He deleted it after sometime, but as its my luck we're talking about, my husband saw it. He didn't say anything, except that everyone makes mistakes, but some people have to pay heavily for them. I will never know whether he was referring to me or to my friend. Bless his soul, he ended the matter at that, though I guess there's a little small grain of tension that has come in between us. I'm not sure whether its from my side or his. Or maybe from both sides. But still, he's a very brave and forgiving soul for not making any negativity apparent. He deserves the best, this one, and I'm suddenly feeling very small and inadequate. I want to make right everything but I doubt whether it will go back to being one hundred percent clear again. There will always remain some turbidity there.

Today is Valentine's Day. We have made plans for a romantic candle-light dinner at a fancy restaurant. Hope everything goes fine. I have realised what it is to respect and love someone - not the passionate or school/college romance, but the deeper and steadier one - the one which lasts forever. I will always love you, dear hubby, and I want to keep loving you and making you happy and protecting you from hurt.

             Happy Valentine's Day!

Ugh! Not a good idea

Hi.

It may feel silly, but I tried watching an adult movie today. Never had I been able to muster the courage to watch it before. Today I picked it up on purpose. And Ugh!!!! Not a good idea. Cannot fathom why people watch it let alone like it. Won't ever do that again, that curiosity is dead now, very much dead.

Anyway, moving on. I played the role of a good wife today. Cooked lunch for my hubby, packed it and took it to him at the hospital. He ate it and sent the lunch-box back with me. That's that. I know he was busy and all and he apologised a lot too for not being able to spend more time with me, but I guess something was wrong with me today and I continued to give him the 'whatever' attitude. That's why I picked this up when I came back, to experiment saying - Bah! What the hell.

Now coming back to why I was almost out of my mind - in my last post I had gone on and on about how a friend had back stabbed me. Turns out, it wasn't her after all, it was her over possessive boy-friend. I don't understand whether to be relieved to hear that my friend hasn't lost it completely or whether to be worried that she has lost it enough to continue to be with this guy. He has supposedly hacked her facebook account and is sending offensive messages to all her friends to lead her away from everyone. Me, sitting here, more than a thousand kilometers away, wanting to help someone see sense, worrying about her, who by the way isn't that close a friend, I must be out of my mind. That's what my hubby said to me when I told him yesterday. I know she's not particularly my bff, but I'd be lying if I said that I don't care what happens to her. I have no idea how to help her though, and this is where I'll just have to sit with my hands tied, seeing someone's life destroyed right in front of my eyes. Hate being helpless.

Betrayal

Hi.

What's the worst kind of backstabbing a friend can do to you? The injury can hurt not only socially but also mentally. You feel sad that a person you once thought of as a friend, can do this to you out of nowhere, and for a reason you cannot fathom.

Today first thing in the morning, when my husband opened his facebook page, there was a message from my college friend, telling my husband about my past relationships supposedly because its good for the present one. (What the hell?)

Needless to say, I'm a wreck of emotions right now. I'm torn between whether to be angry or sad or revengeful, whether to reply to her or tell on her to my other friends or just let it be and give her a chance yet again. 

What makes me sad is that, what on earth could be the reason that prompted her to take such an action, what on earth did I do to her in the first place! Why such animosity towards me? For the record, I haven't even been in contact with her for more than a year now, after she actively started distancing herself from the group. She had found a new boyfriend then who fed her already suggestible mind and made her go against her own friends.    

This message could've ruined my marriage, had it not been for the maturity and understanding of my husband who knows enough of the world to not take such things seriously. (Partly because he was busy searching something important to him.) Anyway, this is the bad side of social networking, that's all I can say. I don't know what will happen next, but I'm not afraid anymore.

New Day

Hullo there!

Sitting quietly after sending the husband to work, listening to radio Fever 104 FM, wondering is this what life is all about. The same struggle with my hair which refuse to tame, contemplating what to do next- do the dishes or    mop the floor. Day after day, doing the same thing, following the same routine, till one day we retire. Well, how will it be different if I go to work too? It may be better, having people around you, rather than sitting alone in the house. Hmm... But the house will be a sight to see! I like clean homes - I have the Monica Geller syndrome. lol.

I've been following this schedule for a couple of days now, and this is hard work. I've never worked so much - especially doing household chores. One thing that's good is I can train myself to fight off laziness. Well, having a writer's block - wanted to write, but can't. Maybe that's because the radio's a distraction - the stupid song from Rockstar is playing.

Anyway, I'll end it here with a good quote from the movie I saw yesterday - Batman Begins - "Why do we fall? So that we may pick ourselves up again."

There are lots of things if you want to pass time passively, but if you use it to do something which is an active expression of yourself, it may help you in someway.

Inspiration

Hi.

I know I haven't written for the past couple of days, and the reasons are many, but that's not why I'm writing today. I just watched My Fair Lady. I've always admired Audrey Hepburn, not exactly knowing why, cos there always seemed to be something about her which was beyond what could be seen. Today, I know why.

I read about her in Wikipedia.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Audrey_Hepburn

What I read brought tears to my eyes. Not everyone is capable of greatness, not everyone is capable of going through what she went through in childhood and yet not be bitter, only sad. She had those wonderful eyes, which spoke so much, what they had in them cannot be described in words. It was a medley myriad emotions,  of innocence, naughtiness, childishness and  carefree abandon, yet at the same time there was stateliness, womanliness, poise and grace which seemed unaware of the admiration they received.

What she was and what she did, is truly inspiring. Some people keep their money to themselves, some people justify what they've achieved as a reward for all they went through, some people - kinder than others donate, and there are some others, quite rare, who give their lives to helping and taking care of others - ambassadors of the Smile.

There are such gems here and there, giving light to others, however small their radius may be. Such small gems can be found in every home - mothers. Since I started doing the household chores, I realised what a thankless job it is - and it has been just a couple of days, not even a week! Yet there are these mothers who devote their entire life to doing something that nobody notices and expects they are only doing their duty. Everyone gets paid for doing something, but these mothers don't even expect anything, yet they toil as hard as the daily wage laborer. On top of it all, it is expected of her to be on top of things, be smart, be knowledgeable of the happenings in the world around her, also pursue a career of her own. I know I'm rambling about, but the realisation has overwhelmed me - every house has a hero and nobody knows it! People now-a-days think career women are smart and look down upon women who decide to be stay-at-home wives. Even though I agree there are some women who are successful in juggling the two jobs, there are some who in pursuit of their own career, neglect their family.

At the end of it - my point is, it is good to be a jack of all trades, but it is best to be the master of atleast one.

Ending with an Audrey Hepburn inspirational quote from Wikipedia - She stated in a 1959 interview, "you can even say that I hated myself at certain periods. I was too fat, or maybe too tall, or maybe just plain too ugly... you can say my definiteness stems from underlying feelings of insecurity and inferiority. I couldn't conquer these feelings by acting indecisive. I found the only way to get the better of them was by adopting a forceful, concentrated drive."^[106]

Day 11 - Blues

Hi.

Remember how I'd told you that all I want is to be a good housewife (I know it sounds silly), well, the decision was seriously challenged today. After I'd done my household chores, I called up my aunt who lives in the city to let her know I'm here. I received an indirect rebuttal of "what the hell are you doing, aimless like this." Well, yes I am aimless. But what is the difference between being aimless and being content, I wonder. Everyone I know is busy doing something or the other while my story seems to have end here. Where did I go wrong, or what am I doing wrong?

The Bhagvad Geeta says, do your job without thinking of the reward. Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong, maybe that's what has changed in me. Earlier I never used to think about how I'm going to fare in the.... <break>

My very good friend called. Talked to her for an hour or so. Then my parents wanted to video chat. That lasted for half an hour. Showed them the house, they liked it. Will show you sometime too. For now, I'll have to take leave cos I have to go on a vegetable shopping expedition. Then I have to put to right the wrongly prepared dough which I'd made for aloo parathas. <sigh> Day's almost coming to an end. My husbad will be home soon. See you tomorrow then. Whatever happens, keep saying with a smile - Happy Today! :)

Day 8, 9 & 10 - Changes

Hi All.

So the day for leaving finally arrived. My mother didn't say much, cos she had a lump in her throat. I didn't want to leave them too, but change is the rule of life - you can't escape it even if you want to.

The journey was uneventful. I slept for most of the night and the day too. Had brought Harry Potter along but didn't feel like reading it. So after 20 hrs of journey I finally reached my destination - the Garden City of India - Bangalore. My husband was there, waiting for me. He was happy to see me. I'm not too sure about how I felt cos since I left my home, I was in a kind of daze.

We rode a autorickshaw back to our new home - new for me, my husband has already stayed there for more than a fortnight now.

The house is good - cute you can say - big but not so big at the same time, comfortable for two people. After a hot bath, we had curd rice for dinner and the methi parathas that I'd brought along. All the time, my brain trying to accept the fact that I'm in a different place. In these two months I'd gotten used to sleeping alone, so much so that even my husband of 4 months felt alien to me. But it all got right in the end and we ended up making love even though we were out of practice. :)

Woke up a bit late in the morning. We don't have any gas yet so no morning tea for us. But we do have a toaster, so it was bread and ketchup for breakfast. After he left for work, I got down to the real business - cleaning. God! Men live like pigs - even the sweet ones. I cleaned the whole house, washed the dishes and rearranged the kitchen, bedroom and the living room, but the task of washing dirty socks has suddenly made me lose all my enthusiasm. Anyway, I should get to work now, its almost 11. I'll be meeting my husband for lunch, we'll eat out today.

Looking forward to what all this day will bring. Hopefully, a gas cylinder and some flour. I want to have a decent meal.

Day 7 - Going back

Hello Everyone.

This is the last day of my being in this house. I'm going back tomorrow. Very very nostalgic right now, especially when all four of us were together after a long long time. <sigh> I'll miss them very much. I so wish I could show them how much I love them.

Now that I think of it, its sort of funny that as I'm writing this, I've got bleach on my face. Have used it after almost half a decade. Want to test a theory I've got - whether bleach is preventive for acne. See, it sort of makes sense - bleach is nothing but hydrogen peroxide and bacteria die from it and acne is caused by a bacteria Propionibacterium acne. Also I never used to get pimples when I used to use it regularly. Lets see what happens.

Watched the movie - Journey to the Center of the Earth - bit childish yet I couldn't help but admire Jules Verne's imagination. I used to read his books when I was kid in school. I remember what amount of detailing he used to put in his books. Wonder whether such a thing does exist down at the centre. It makes me feel so like a tiny and unimportant little thing, worrying about its own little worries when there's such a beautiful world out there - everything's nothing short of a miracle. Wonder who created it all. Thank you, for such a beautiful world. Please give mankind peace and understanding so that he won't go destroying everything while caught up in his own little world where he's all that matters. I know, You won't let him destroy it, but give him understanding so that he won't go and destroy himself in the process. Amen.

1 1/2 hr later - More than half-way through my packing, only clothes left now. Put away my stuff in separate boxes so that they won't get mixed up with the general stuff. All my little trinkets, my old photo album, my Jimmy's vaccination card, my graduation stuff, some birthday cards (one of them is unused) and some old books esp. my Harry Potter collection - I owe my adolescence to it, it kept me sane, my grand-uncle's book which I'd borrowed but couldn't return it and other little memories. Moving is such an emotional experience, I don't know what to feel right now - I'm numb and there's also this little heart-ache which refuses to go, not to mention the lump in my throat. I need to distract myself or I won't be able to go to sleep, I think I'll watch a movie or something. Also, won't be able to post anything tomorrow as I'll be on the train back.
  

Day 5 & 6 - Joy of Freedom

Hi All.

Sorry, for not posting yesterday. Had an exam to prepare for ;)

Well, yesterday ordered a surprise cake for my husband at 8 pm, which reached at 11 pm :( So no surprise was left. Still, the cake was good he said.

Today was my exam. Hadn't studied so you can imagine what it was like.

All of this apart, I want to tell you about the joy of being free. I decided to break myself free from the burden I'd put on myself - of trying to be good at everything. Its not like I've given up, its more like I'm going to take each day as it comes, feel all the time that passes by each second, and cherish each moment I spend with people I love. My sister went back today and so am I - day after tomorrow. Though all this while I was missing my husband, but today the thought of leaving home has already started to make me miss my parents. They're moving too and I don't know when I'll meet them next :(

Sometimes, all the joys in the world you can have for yourself, pale in front of the simple joys of life - like seeing the people you love happy. I always wondered how some people love their career more than the people in their lives. Money can come anytime, and if you're with your family you'll be happy even when you don't have life's luxuries. How can those days ever come back - growing up, learning things from parents, fighting your sister wildly and yet fiercely defending her from others, thinking that your papa is the strongest and most intelligent person in the world (which I still do), demanding from mother to cook 'n' number of special dishes and getting them served to you with a loving smile (all the trouble she took vanishes seeing you like it), and the list goes on. That's why they say - memories are precious. Thinking about all that has brought a lump in my throat. Life is so short. Yet we spend the major part of it running after happiness, all the while forgetting that happiness was right there, by your side.

So take a moment off. Feel the present. Its not going to back again...

hmmmm....

Ok, now something for you on a lighter note -

Happy Today!!! :) Take care.

Day 4 - New Realisation

My exam is on Sunday.

And yet I'm calm - or pseudocalm.

Enjoyed the day with my sister today - went shopping and had lunch together. Felt nice.

Yet whenever someone asks me about my studies, I get tensed. My mother-in-law did that today and it resulted in me being jumpy while lying to her that I study all day.

My husband called, and I think I didn't talk to him normally either. What's got into me? Am I worrying about the future too much? Then I found this thought someone shared on facebook:

This is so true! Then I realised, I think too much, maybe if I stop thinking too much, I'll be happy - cos I don't seem to be happy :( Even when my husband told me that he'd booked us a rooftop dinner in a fancy restaurant for this Valentine's day, all I kept worrying about was what to wear! I'm so foolish!

You know what, I think I should change the title of my blog - no one can shape their life exactly as they want it, very few can get very close to living their dream, so it won't do to worry about it all the time. I think it should rather be - Being Myself Day-to-Day. What do you think of it?

Found another wonderful read : The five regrets - Paulo Coelho's Blog

I know its very difficult to keep oneself calm when nothing's going your way, while everybody you know is happy doing things they like. Sometimes, the future does appear hopeless and bleak - you don't want to end up like a cross old woman who's just bitter all the time. No, I don't want to be like that.

So from now on, I'll try to be happy. I'll try to be nice to others irrespective of my bothers. I'll not think much about the future, and I'll try to be happy with what I have, which by the way is wonderful - A doting (and handsome) husband, warm in-laws and my own great family! Add to it an MBBS degree from one of the best colleges and great friends too! And not bad to look at either, as many people have told me :).Okay, now I'm starting to wonder what do I cry about all the time! My life's perfect! All that it lacks is a post-graduate degree, and I'll get that sometime. Till then I need not whine and spoil other people's mood. God, I'm such a whiner. Will try to be cheerful from tomorrow - no more damsel in distress :).

Day 3 - At Crossroads Again

Hi All.

At crossroads again.

My little sister came to visit today. So spent the day with her. As I think I'll be spending the better of next 2 days. <sigh>

I am happy, don't get me wrong. Only thing that bothers me is how to balance the two - studies and family. I know family is the most important thing in life and never let your family down when they need you, but the same family also wishes to see me grow and be someone important. <sigh>

I know that they say in order to get something you have to sacrifice something else, but I know what I can sacrifice and what I cannot. One is important to me and the other is important to them. Wish I could somehow get the two right. Sometimes I feel I have too many expectations from them and that makes me feel very bad when I'm not able to fulfill them. (Yes, we're a typical Asian family) The result is I'm perpetually reprimanding myself.

Please Dear God, help me out here. I need it very much. Please.

Day 2

What should one do if one does not like to do the work one is supposed to do?
I love medicine but I'm tired of these entrance exams.

Anyway, about today - guilty of a little transgression. :(
Gave in to the temptation of a mid-afternoon snooze. Ate a chocolate.

Listening to myself makes me feel ashamed. Am I too hard on myself? - Not particularly as I don't end up doing half the things I've planned. Am I depressed or something? - I don't think so, considering I enjoy other things in life - movies, shopping, etc. What is wrong with me then????

Aaargh! Laziness is a very hard thing to shake off once you've caught it, I guess. In the day, it seduces you to do things which are just a waste of time, promising that there's still plenty of time for all the serious stuff. Lies. Time goes too fast. You realise it when the day's over.

I know I could've just lied and pretended I had a great day, but seeing all the people who've given this page a view has sort of inspired me. I know its not a cake-walk to shake off one of the most dangerous ailments affecting humanity - laziness, but I want to keep trying. Just so that I can be honest with you. Thank you. You might just have saved a soul. :)

Tomorrow - a fresh start then! Giddyup! :)

P. S. I think I need a goal. Considering two of my exams are just around the corner and I'm not prepared enough, I'll set my eyes on the next goal - mid-year DNB and AIIMS exams. I don't really care about my post-graduation as I have plenty of options at this level, but I have to prove something to myself. Prove that I'm still in the race.
       
Okay then, all said and done - Goal - AIIMS exam May 6, 2012.
                              Short-term target - finish with all the previous exam papers of State PGCET.
                                                           (3 down, 7 to go)

                                                    

Day 1

Hmmm... End of Day 1.

My verdict - Bitter-sweet.

Succeeded in not sleeping in the afternoon, which was a little victory in itself, what with my mind suggesting all the wonderful restful things that sleep brings.

Evening - well, it went away in planning my husband's birthday... nothing really came out of all the planning - but no regrets..

Study - a bit.

Positives - controlled the impulse to sleep, and have an off-time snack. Downloaded a new alarm app :)
Negatives - should try to do more with the time saved.

All the best to myself for tomorrow. Have to do better.

My First Post

        Today, I decided something. I will not allow laziness to take over my life. For some time I've been cribbing about why I never seem to get a good score on my exams or why I keep growing fat. Then I realised - maybe its all my own doing, maybe I'm too lazy and its better I admit it to myself now and change my ways before its too late.
        Then I read somewhere - 'Laziness is taking rest before you get tired', and it made me realise that's exactly what I do. If I continue indulging myself, I'll be a fool. So here's this blog now, as a testimony to my new resolution - to fight laziness. I'll be posting as much as possible, about my daily struggle against laziness, and hopefully will be able to shape my future as I want it to be.